


Inside This Body

by Azzella



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Monologue, beginning of season 7 maybe, between the two, castiels thoughts, end of season six, secretly in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 10:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5865907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzella/pseuds/Azzella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel and Jimmy have a talk about his unwanted feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inside This Body

This body used to represent everything holy to me. Had you asked me in the year before perdition with this new vessel, I would have readily told you it was a creation of my fathers and therefore perfect in design. Now I was not so sure.

Before, I could say that Jimmy Novak had the smile which had women –mainly his wife, Amelia – swooning, and eyes that saw deep into your soul. I could say that he had a smart suit and tie on, and his overcoat was well fitting and suited him. His dark hair contrasted his stunning blue eyes perfectly and his voice was that of Angels – pardon the pun – as it was so joyful and caring.

Now, I saw a body that was flawed. The smile that fell from my lips through his body looked strained and awkward and my eyes – his eyes – were childlike with innocence, yet ancient with the wisdom of millennia. The suit was too formal and unsuited to the hunting of creatures and for missions, so I was constantly tugging to loosen the tie and clothes, yet never taking off the dusty old trench coat as it was my only place that felt safe away from the Winchesters.

The Winchesters… They were the reason I saw flaws, now. Their brilliance and charm had invoked me to look upon myself, and so far I had not found anything I had liked. Whilst I was with the Winchesters, mainly the elder son, I felt content. I felt happy.

Yet it was this body that allowed me to connect with said human that also created the barrier that blocked me. Whilst I, innocent and – yes, I will openly admit to those closest to me – romantic little virgin that I was, knew it was completely wrong to become so close to humans, I could not help but fall more and more in love with him. Dean was a force to be reckoned with, stronger than any hurricane or tornado once he got going, and I, pitifully weak with these feeble human emotions, let myself be fooled and wooed with his every word and action.

Not this vessel. Jimmy was… uncaring towards my feelings, anymore. At first, he had relished in them, enjoying actually feeling something in his own body, but now… Now he hid in the shadowy recesses of his soul, clinging to his dreams and memories of the life he had before I entered, and inevitably stole his life. Whenever he did resurface, it was with a snide comment about my lapsed attitude towards everything now, groaning about how much I had changed over the years since I had began possessing his body.

I saw no reason to argue with the man – yes, he was my vessel, but I had also deemed him my friend until recently. Jimmy was honest. That I could accept. That I could trust.

Now Sam and Dean were nowhere near to me, both physically and in spirit now since I began consorting with Crowley, but they would never understand. Their world was once glorious, a heaven to the angels; now it was the wasteland of the universe. It still had some of its spectacular views but the world was corrupt. On this planet was so much hatred and evil that it hurt to watch now. I was doing it for them. I have always done everything for them. Yet they do not ever seem to notice.

For two stupid human boys I fell from grace, abandoned my father and my family, although in fairness, we had not been much of a family since Lucifer's outburst. For two brave human boys I disobeyed, going against the will of my father and everything he stood for. And for two loving human boys, I myself learnt emotion, learnt to love and laugh and to make the most of little things; whether it was sitting on the roof of the Impala and watching the stars, or being enveloped in one of those boys' arms, mainly Deans.

This body, although it was not mine, reacted whilst in the presence of the older Winchester. Its' heart rate increased, its' skin took on a tinge of pink and a light smear of sweat graced its' palms. Whenever the man looked at me – at Jimmy – a silent tremor ran down my – Jimmy's – spine, although it was easily hidden beneath the large overcoat. He would often, in a rage, shout outbursts to me, and I would have to fight the urge to ask him whether he was serious and actually wanted me to "blow him".

What was worse was that I no longer cared. Before, it stung to hear Dean curse at me, angry with me. Now, it was simply enough to know that he was doing it because he cared. Nobody could deny that Dean Winchester was a tough one with his emotions, but once he cared for someone, he never let it go. He could not; it was not in his nature.

I still often wondered why my father had chosen me out of every angel in the garrison – I was young, still a fledgling to most of them, despite my age – to bring him back from perdition. Hell had nearly killed me, it had killed several of my brothers and sisters yet I was the only one who made it out – not including Winchester. I was not wise in the way of Earth and humans. The language was hard to understand, sarcasm and jokes not making any sense and the constant strum of activity seemed to have my head constantly tilted in confusion, in hope someone would notice and explain.

Out of everybody, why was it my ward, Dean Winchester, which made my uneasy? Why was it anybody at all? Why must I have to constantly fight with myself? In the name of my father, who art no longer in heaven, why on his green Earth did I have to fall in-

Fall in what?

I shook the thought away. Nothing could happen in this body. Jimmy would surely not like it if I pursued my feelings, he would probably banish me from his being. Or try to, anyway.

Jimmy was not gay, but then again, I had not seen myself as that, either. I saw beauty, indeed, but I did not feel lust for anyone, man or woman. 'Asexual,' I believe is the term Balthazar called me, indifferent to sexual orientation. Yet somehow, it was like the world revolved around this being – this human.

Jimmy was awake inside me. He could feel my distress and I could sense him coming out to comfort me, although in his heart, he wished to let me suffer. The sensation of warmth spread over me as he cradled me inside, somehow, his soul spreading and touching whatever he found. 'Castiel,' he whispered to me. 'Share your pain; let me help.'

I could not voice the words, but an image of a pair of eyes clouded behind my closed eyelids – beautiful green eyes, full of pain and love and guilt, un-judging and… simply Deans.

The equivalent of a sigh rang out inside my head, brushing cold against my body. 'You love him, Castiel. You fell for the hairless ape.'

He had chosen the right words. A smile tugged at my lips and the pain lessened slightly. "Angels are incapable of emotion, Jimmy. Especially love."

'Well you had best tell the cupids they screwed up then. 'Cuz you've got an arrow sticking out of your arse. You love Dean, Castiel. Tell him.'

"That would be… unwise. Let alone unfair to you. This is your vessel. I should not wish to exploit that."

Another sigh. 'Castiel, you are one of the stupidest angels I have ever met – and seeing as I am wired into Angel FM, that says a lot. Now… Castiel, if you do not go to him, I will expel you. I think I am strong enough to do so, now. My body is no longer mine. It is yours. I gave it to you so you could save the Earth. You stopped the apocalypse, Cas! You helped send Lucifer back into the pit and killed Eve… You have saved the Winchesters which means that you have therefore saved thousands, if not millions of lives! If they were not around, monsters and demons would be out there on killing sprees. It is only because of hunters like them that they stay hidden, that they are not all trying to take over. So, you emotionally retarded angel, I order you to zap over there and tell him how you feel. If I wasn't hiding all the damn time, I am certain I would have hurled with all the eye-screwing you two do, so it is clear that he likes you too. You saved the freakin' world, Castiel. You deserve some happiness."

I could not reply. On their own accord, my hand raised. In an instant I was no longer where I had been before. Now I was stood in a dingy motel room, a foot or so away from the older Winchester who was sat on the closest bed to the door, cleaning his sawed-off.

"Cas?" he asked, his deep voice sending an invisible shiver through this body. He eyed me up and down, taking in my appearance like he was a thirsty man with a glass of water, devouring it, needing it.

'Do it, Cas. I'm just gonna… step out for a while,' Jimmy whispered, disappearing back inside himself.

Without the warmth Jimmy conscience brought, I felt alone, empty. As I kept my gaze on the Winchester, heat returned as our eyes locked, unable to move, but this heat was completely different to that of this vessels true owner. This heat began in my stomach, spreading out and lower and igniting my chest and waist. My palms became damp and I could feel the blush appearing on my cheeks as the gaze went on for longer than socially acceptable. Damn this Winchester.

"Hey there, Cas," Dean grinned, his eyes glittering with emotion as he stood and dropped his weapon to take a step closer to the angel.

"Hello, Dean," I replied, feeling all of my fight leave me. I could never be with the Winchester. I was meant to be alone.


End file.
